elegance

A wonderful woman. My role model. very strong and empowering. Seeing her was like a gift and I felt like value and truly therapeutic. God was with me today. I really miss her so much. Her voice is in my mind. I’m trying to implement what she taught me from the therapeutic community. Im managing and allowing myself to cry as and when i need to. It’s not easy. I visited an exhibition today. A young man’s experience of being an in patient with bipolar disorder. It was insightful. I really admire the work that comes out. It was wonderful to see. there was hope and a love story.

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Outlet

I need a bit of an outlet at the minute…This is what I’ve been using the blog for because I don’t really know who to turn to. Although I am managing and feel the support I received is sufficient enough. I’m mostly afraid of feeling invalidated when I talk to someone about what I feel I am going through. I think to cross that hurdle is to let the person know what it is that i need from them before I talk. That’s what the nurse therapist in the therapeutic community said to me. Otherwise people don’t know what I need. So at the moment I just need to write it all out and perhaps even cry it all out. Because if I don’t cry I think im going to be feeling very fragile and then comes the flood (great!). OK so now I’m smiling. I was quite concerned this evening as it dawned on me that the side effects of the medicine is that I may not be able to have children. I was at work when this thought appeared in my mind. And then came the tears they just sprung up on me.. I was like oh my… and worried. I think what I need to do is stop panicking. Tomorrow I will see my nephrologist. She is very experienced and I can ask her again. Although I read somewhere online that people have still been able to have children even though they have been taking this medicine l so there is hope. 🙂 i would really like to have children one day. I made up my mind when I met my therapist. He was so cute and I adore him. I have a deep longing and yearning for him that’s still there. He was so kind. I felt love. This week I may go to a public event for arts in mental health. There is hope in these places. And I think it would be interesting to see see some art work. I’m still reading gandhis autobiography. It’s fascinating and im aiming to finish it by tomorrow. I’m feeling very tired right now. There’s an event at university next week. I think im going. 🙂 Something to look forward to. Night night x

Vasculitis.

Today I was receiving treatment for a conditional I have called vascilitis. The former of vasculitis I have is microscopic polyangiitis. In the past this condition has in the past been described as wegeners disease, at present it is now called granulomatosis with microscopic polyangiitis. Over the past few weeks I have not been able to walk much. Unable to hold things, eyes going red tired all the time can’t carry books to and from uni. I kept reading and I discovered gandhi. 🙂 the disease it flares up very rapidly. I was up and down in my emotions. At the moment I am hopeful and I really felt that I was challenged in using all the ways of coping from the therapeutic community. I saw a previous psychiatrist at the cafe and she waved. It was lovely to see her and her wave felt warm. The therapeutic community helped me figuring out how to manage physical health problems. Although I did not spend much time talking about this area it helped and i am really trying to look after myself properly. This meant accepting support from supportive people and managing those relationships which could leave me feeling unstable. My moods have been up and down. I kept distance from relationships i felt could become unhelpful. I saw my brother at uni. 🙂 we are supporting eachother with our studies. He asked me some questions about my illness. I recently bumped into a friend. I was feeling very unwell and I felt like bursting into tears. I knew her for almost 8 years. x

Experiencing a relapse.. ?

I have been feeling 😦 over the past week. Trying to put my finger on what could be the cause. It could be that I handed in my essay and now I feel I have little to work towards… although I have been trying to read a few books that I started before my essay. Another thing is that I went to the hospital the other day for my physical health as I have wegeners granulomatosis. I think i could be experiencing a relapse the appointment was at the same site as the therapeutic community i used to attend and so I felt really upset at the thought of my therapists and I ended up feeling quite fragile. I really miss my therapists. Later on that day, I had arranged to take part in some feedback on therapeutic communities and I found it so difficult talking about it because I kept crying 😦 I miss the therapists so much. They were always supportive. Outside of therapy, people aren’t so understanding. I have had some contact with some members but I can feel them withdraw away and it’s really painful. They are moving on with things and I feel like I should let them but I feel I am being left on my own and it hurts. I understand that I need to look for those traits in the therapists in people in my life now. I sent a christmas card and a letter in the post to the therapist I felt close to and it has helped a bit but I still feel fragile. Yesterday I received an email I felt 😦 and so I replied and I think I may arrange to meet together with my mentor as well. I feel quite panicked and on edge and quite sensitive and it’s like… every tiny thing is sending me into tearsb:( I have an idea that this is not normal and I’m not feeling a part of anything. Just floating around. I made a friend at university though and I think that she’s quite nice 🙂 I’m looking forward to seeing her after the Christmas break.

I’ve nearly finished my history essay :)

Yep. It’s almost done. Yay 🙂 i feel quite relieved that I have been managing my deadlines without spiralling into panic. Tomorrow I’m going to do my bibliography and then print out a hardcopy for myself and then submit it. I’ve given myself a 5pm deadline. Although the deadline is Monday at noon. I am looking forward to writing my Christmas cards afterwards 🙂 night x

Writing women….

I’m writing an essay on women’s history…it’s due in soon. I am doing my write up by pen tomorrow and then typing it up on Friday. I got some advice from my tutor on how to write an essay and so he says try do it in one sitting and so hopefully fingers crossed I’m aiming to take his advice and write it up by pen tomorrow. The whole 3000 words… and then onto the PC… :s I hope I don’t have a relapse… I don’t feel one coming on… I feel in control and not panicky… well, slightly….. wen I get this one done. I’m going to read and read and read my heart out. Night x

My first postgraduate assignment. .

Today I received the mark for my history assignment. I was relieved when I found I had passed! I felt quite exposed at the idea of a professional historian marking my work… I didn’t think what I wrote would pass… I’m kinda shocked as generally people with bpd are stereotyped into being unreasonable and im not fitting in to the stereotype which is great but I do wonder whether I am comparing my grade to how mentally healthy I am. And whether a fail would mean that I am more unhealthy. And if i did get a higher mark is that a reflection of my health. I have a feeling that this is not the ideal way to assess my own mental health.. hmm…. but I will give it some more thought and try and distinguish my cognitive condition to my education. But yes this evening I started re writing my essay and then danced to some Bruce Springsteen. Now I’m ready for bedtime night x

Family birthdays

I find it difficult when there’s a family celebration. It’s awkward because of the nature of the relationships within my family. I get along with my brother. I am older than him by nearly ten years. I like being an older sister. My relationship with my mum and also my older sister has been quite stormy. My sister is two years older than me. Me and my sister we argued a lot. There is still a rift left unresolved. I hope one day we could work to resolve it. I have attempted many times but it is a deep rift which perhaps needs time. The future of this sibling relationship is uncertain. Nowadays she doesn’t keep in touch very much. after I started going to the therapeutic community i started to see things differently it was useful in learning how to manage stormy relationships.

University

Time flies. I’ve been at university for nearly nine weeks already! It’s been quite a rollercoaster! I handed in my first assignment. It was a book review. I have another assignment due olthis one is on women’s history This weekend I have been struggling to gather my thoughts about the essay however I plan on speaking to my tutor as I have done a rough draft of my essay. I’m learning about historical methodology. I am enjoying myself but it’s also quite painful. It will be worth it in the end. (I hope!) 🙂

I turned 30 in April :)

This year I turned 30 in April I had plans to spend my birthday with my close friend whom I have known for almost eight years but she contacted me the night before to say that she couldn’t make it. I felt hurt as I was looking forward to it. I had initiated the contact and done the arranging, we were meant to go out for a meal. I started to feel that I wasn’t important. She said she had assignments due. We ended up meeting later that evening and went for a quick meal. But I was not feeling very well as I was anxious and couldn’t eat anything. It was one of the worst feelings. But she met me and took time out the day before which was so lovely of her 🙂

I had a bad headache I felt upset and I cried a lot so, I started to think to think of something else to do. I decided to travel to London and spoke to my therapist over the telephone. She was my 🙂 I booked my train tickets. I slept, I was unsure of I was going to be able to leave my house in the morning because I wasn’t able to eat, I was feeling rather sick and I felt sad.

I woke up at 5.18am, The sun was shining, I felt kinda excited, but also upset that I was alone

😦 Two extremely opposite feelings were going round and round. My sadness overwhelmed me more than the excitement. It was the pangs of excitement which got me up and ready. I wanted to celebrate my birthday.

I got to the coach station and the coach was already there. In ten minutes, I was on my way. I got into London at 11am. I stopped off at Westminster to see the London Eye and I took a picture. I then headed to the National Gallery and I saw lots of Portraits. Some were from the Elizabethan times, Many from the Tudors and Stuarts also some recent ones. My favourite one was the one of William Morris There were many detailed portraits and I wondered how the artist painted and which materials were used. There was a row of sculptured heads and This gent and I spoke trying to figure out who was who, I liked him. It felt like he was like some sort of angel. One of the few who spoke to me on my birthday 😉

Afterwards, I started getting peckish and headed off towards covent garden which was about a five minute walk from the Museum. I saw a mexican restaurant called Cantina Loredo where I had fajitas and a diet coke for a tenner. It was Yum. My waiter was very friendly and welcome who and he spoke to me on my birthday and as I looked around three or four other people were sat alone too. So I was not alone. I received some lovely and thoughtful birthday text messages from friends and family.

After Lunch, I moved on to the National Gallery, next door, It was such a fabulous day So many detailed pics I saw Manet, Eyck, Van gough, Raphael, Davinci plus many many more. Some from the enlightenment, biblical pictures from the medieval times. I took a break in the cafe and had tea and a scone and continued around the rest of the gallery. Soon, it was time to leave, On my way back, I ate a burger and fries and then I stopped off at Laduree and treated myself to a birthday Cake. I then headed to the coach station to take the journey back home.

Spending my 30th birthday on my own was better than I thought it was going to be. It went quite smoothly. I love learning and I spent nearly my whole 30th surrounded by artists, poets, writers, Peasants, kings, queens but What was missing were the people who were alive in the present day we couldn’t be together for reasons that were plausible and this is ok because I still had the best birthday ever!